Henry Hyde, Bob Barr and George
Bush all happened to die on the same day. They find themselves in a room with
three closed, locked doors. As they waited for something to happen, they hear a
voice from out of the air. "Henry," it said, "you have sinned by being a
hypocrite by attacking President Clinton for what you yourself have done. Now
you must go to door one."
It opened and a vicious dog was there just waiting. "Enter the door, Henry, and spend eternity with the dog for your sins."
After Henry left, the voice was heard again. "Bob," it said, "you are also a hypocrite for the same reason. Now you must go to door two."
It opened and a vicious bull was there just waiting. "Enter the door, Bob, and spend eternity with the bull for your sins."
After Bob left, the voice was heard again. "George," it said, "Now you must go to door three."
It opened and a beautiful woman stood there. And the voice said, "Enter the door, woman, and spend eternity with Bush for your sins."
Sent in by Lee Davison www.democratsforum.com
George Bush was spending some time at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. One afternoon, he was riding in the back of his official limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man..
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," instructed the president.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" replied the president. He turned to the other man and said "You come with us, too".
"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well," answered Bush as he headed for his limo. They all climbed in, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Bush replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place... the grass is almost a foot tall!"
Sent in by Lisa Miller
One night, George W. Bush was awakened in the White House by
the ghost of George Washington.
George W. asked the ghost, "Mr. Washington, sir, what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, George W., just as I did."
The following evening, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared before Bush in the dark bedroom.
"Mr. Jefferson, sir," George W. asked, "what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?"
"Preserve the land for future generations and stay out of foreign affairs."
Bush wasn't sleeping well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Mr. Lincoln, sir, what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?" George W. asked.
"Go see a play."
Thanks to Melissa Harris
Three Texas surgeons were arguing about who had the greatest
The first began, "Three years ago, I reattached three fingers on a
pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second replied, "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car
accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years
after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
The third said, "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was
high on pot and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a freight
train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the
horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Two years ago he became President
of the United States."
Thanks to Jenn
Bush's closest advisors came to visit him at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"
During Bob Dole's run for the president, a reporter asked him: Boxer's or briefs?
Thanks to Dave Bradley
What did Strom Thurmond say the first time he tried Viagra?
"The South's gonna rise again!"
Give a round of applause to firstname.lastname@example.org
New Version of "Hail To the Chief" for the Usurper in the White House.
"Hail to the THIEF since you stole Al Gore's election
Bought with the help of Judge Rehnquist's bloodless coup
You're nothing more than a second-rate Napoleon
I'll be glad in '04 when you meet your Waterloo!"
Thanks again to email@example.com
Did you hear about the new Kentucky Fried Chicken special?
It's the Republican Bucket....All right wings and assholes...
Mega Thanks go to Suzan Sauls firstname.lastname@example.org Great joke!
On one of his photo-op tours, W. went to an elementary school and watched
the first grade class as they were studying words. The teacher asked W. if
he'd like to help her teach the kids about words, and he replied, "Sure.
Children, today's word is 'Tragedy.' Can anybody tell me what Tragedy means?"
One little girl raised her hand and said "If a kid gets hit by a car that
would be a Tragedy." W. looked at her and said, "No, I am sorry, you are
wrong. That would be an Accident. A terrible Accident, but that would not
be a Tragedy."
A little boy raised his hand and said "What if a whole school bus of little
kids went over the cliff and crashed? Surely that would be a Tragedy."
Again W. shook his head. "No, I am sorry, you are wrong. That would be a
Great Loss, but that would not be a Tragedy."
Finally another little boy raised his hand and said, "I know, Mr. Bush. If
you were flying on Air Force One and got shot down by a terrorist, that would
be a Tragedy."
"Very good, young man, that would be a Tragedy," W. said. "And how did you
arrive at that answer?"
"Well," said the little boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it
sure wouldn't be no Great Loss."
Thanks go to Gilxner@aol.com submitted 7-12-01
One day Dubya decides he wants to learn to sky dive so he talks to Cheney who has done it before. Cheney agrees to teach him how so they go up in AirForce 1 somewhere over Texas and Cheney says to Dubya "Jump out and pull your rip cord. I'll be right behind you and we'll go down together OK?" Bush jumps out and pulls his ripcord and starts floating down. Cheney jumps out and immediately has a heart attack and flies past Dubya. Bush sees Cheney streaking past and screams, undoing his parachute, "So ya wanna race huh?"
Big time thanks for the original joke by email@example.com 6-28-01
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush are captured by terrorists in the jungle. The terrorists prepare to execute them by firing squad, one by one. Clinton is chosen first. As the terrorists aim their rifles, Clinton yells, "hurricane!" The terrorists drop to the ground in confusion and Clinton escapes. They select Gore next. As the terrorists aim their rifles, Gore thinks, "well, the distraction worked for Clinton, it'll work for me". Gore yells, "tornado!" The terrorists drop to the ground in confusion and Gore escapes. Bush is the last one left. As the terrorists aim their rifles, W. thinks, "well, natural disasters worked for Clinton and Gore, it'll work for me." Bush yells, "fire!"
Thanks go to David E Romm 6/9/01 firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit his website www.visi.com/~romm
Bill Clinton and W Bush were riding on a train. A gorgeous blonde and an old woman sat down across from them. The train went into a tunnel and a loud SLAP was heard. When the train came out of the tunnel there was a bright red mark on Bush's cheek. The old woman thought, "That animal Bill Clinton, he must have made a pass at the blonde and she slapped Bush by mistake." The blonde thought, "That animal Bill Clinton, he must have made a pass at me, grabbed the old woman by mistake and she slapped Bush by mistake." W Bush thought, "That animal Bill Clinton, he must have made a pass at the blonde and she slapped me by mistake." Bill Clinton thought, "Every time we go through a tunnel I'm going to slap that smirking chimp."
Thanks go to bakho 5/29/01 email@example.com
gets a call from his “boss”, W.
got a problem," says W.
the matter?" asks Cheney.
you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle,
but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any
the picture of?" asks Cheney.
of a big rooster," replies W.
right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."
he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office.
The secretary lets Cheney into the Office and W calls him over to the
points and shows him the jigsaw on the coffee table.
Cheney looks at the jigsaw and then turns to W and says, "For Christ's sake, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
Q. What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?
A. One's a flaming Nazi gasbag and the other one's a dirigible.
Thanks go to Leni Friedman 5-09-01 firstname.lastname@example.org
STROM THURMOND REQUESTS VIAGRA
STROM THURMOND WENT TO HIS DOCTOR FOR A CHECK UP. AFTER THE CHECK UP WAS OVER HE ASKED HIS DOCTOR IF HE COULD GET SOME VIAGRA. THE DOCTOR LOOKED AT
HIM AND SAID, "STROM AT YOUR AGE SEX WOULD PROBABLY KILL YOU." STROM REPLIED, "HELL DOC I DON'T WANT VIAGRA BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE SEX." "WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT VIAGRA FOR, ASKED THE DOCTOR?" "I'M TIRED OF PISSING ON MY FEET, REPLIED STROM."
Thanks go to Ronald Kay for this joke email@example.com 4-29-01
Heaven's Gate for Bob Barr, Tom Delay and Henry Hyde
BOB BARR, TOM DELAY AND HENRY HYDE WERE ON THEIR WAY TO A POLITICAL CONVENTION. THE VEHICLE IN WHICH THEY WERE RIDING WAS HIT BY A TRAIN. ALL THREE WERE PRONOUNCED DEAD AT THE SCENE. WHEN THEY ARRIVED AT HEAVENS GATE THEY WERE TOLD TO HAVE A SEAT IN THE WAITING ROOM. THE THREE OF THEM WERE SITTING THERE WONDERING WHAT WAS GOING ON. A VOICE COMES OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER AND SAYS HENRY HYDE GO TO DOOR NUMBER ONE. HENRY WALKS OVER TO DOOR NUMBER ONE AND OPENS IT. THERE STOOD THE MEANEST, UGLIEST DOG YOU EVER WANT TO SEE. A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS HENRY YOU HAVE SINNED AND FOR YOUR SINS YOU SHALL SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY WITH THIS DOG. BOB AND TOM ARE SITTING THERE TALKING ABOUT ALL THE MEAN THINGS THEY DID TO BILL AND HILLARY AND A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS. TOM DELAY GO TO DOOR NUMBER TWO. TOM WALKS OVER TO DOOR NUMBER TWO AND OPENS IT. THERE STOOD THE MEANEST, UGLIEST GORILLA YOU EVER WANT TO SEE. A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS TOM YOU HAVE SINNED AND FOR YOUR SINS YOU SHALL SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY WITH THIS GORILLA. OLD BOB BARR IS LEFT SITTING THERE WONDERING WHAT'S GOING ON. A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS, BOB BARR GO TO DOOR NUMBER THREE. BOB BARR WALKS OVER TO DOOR NUMBER THREE AND OPENS IT. THERE STOOD LINDA EVANS. BOB BARR SAYS "OH MY GOODNESS I REALLY AM IN HEAVEN," JUST THEN A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS LINDA EVANS YOU HAVE SINNED.
Thanks go to Ronald Kay for this joke firstname.lastname@example.org 4-24-01
SELECTED AS JOINT CHIEFS' CHAIRMAN
General Gomer Pyle was selected by President Bush as his
nominee as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
In a career dating from the early sixties, General Pyle rapidly
advanced through the ranks, even though stationed only at
Camp Henderson in California for the last 37 years.
President Bush praised General Pyle in a speech from the
Rose Garden. "General Pyle embodies the hope and dreams
of all Americans when you can rise from a simple mechanic
at Wally's Service Station in Mayberry to the highest military
rank in the US Armed Forces." The President then giggled,
smirked, and said, "Heh, kind of like me."
General Pyle shook the President's hand, shrugged, and said,
"Surprise, surprise, surprise, Mr. President! Well, Golllee --
I can't tell you how much this means to me. Can I get you to
autograph my hat? And, I'd like to take a few pictures. Would
you mind if I got Sergeant Carter to come on up here. He
looks a little upset, Mr. President. You think he's mad that I
outrank him now?"
General Pyle's said his first task is the ongoing commitments
in Bosnia. "I plan on deploying Aunt Bee from Mayberry with
her blueberry cobbler. ShaZAM! but that'd end that fussing
over there in just a second!"
It's expected General Pyle will order the military to start
exchanging its existing MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) packets with
Moon Pies and RC Cola.
BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES
SUPREME COURT VERDICT
> Bush to be smitten later today
> In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one
> nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to
> overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the
> White House to George Bush.
> "I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said
> this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure
> as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this
> "I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact
> vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God
> and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the
> chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
> Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected
> verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and
> awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The
> Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
> "God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign
> strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a
> U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes
> against the constitution of the state of Florida."
> "Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some
> surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you
> know what I mean."
> God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida
> precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter
> confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a
> friggin' idiot."
> "Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for
> Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't
> believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam,
> Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
> Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with
> George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would
> officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any
> reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's
> goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and
> possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former
> presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and
> afflicted him with deep boils.
> Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
"A non-Dubya funny and true story
The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington
engineering mid-term to a senior student. The answer was so "profound" that
the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,(gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year, that "... it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true.
Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given.
Submitted by Alan George 4-2-01
Do you have a good joke about Dubya or any Repugnican cronies?
Just email me and I'll give you credit for your submission
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