"President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, 'I'd like to encourage you to do some shopping while you're here.' I think it worked because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming." --Conan O'Brien

The-World-Will-Be-A-Safer-Place-Without Saddam

• US military deaths in Afghanistan region at 769

• Iraq minibus bomb kills six Washington Post

• US forces move into central Afghan city

• US drone crashes into Iraqi party offices: military AFP

• Turkey wants to extend Iraq bombing mandate: report AFP

• Jordan contacts US over Dallas plot

• Iran conducts third round of missile tests

"Federal authorities have issued a flurry of bulletins warning that sports stadiums, entertainment complexes, hotels, motels, apartment buildings, and transit systems could be targets of terrorist attacks. Well thanks for narrowing it down." --Jay Leno

South Carolina Gone Wild

A candidate to be South Carolina's next National Guard leader skipped the fiery speeches for firepower, launching his campaign with what he called a "machine-gun social."

Attendees paid $25 for barbecue, a clip of bullets for target practice and the chance to win a semiautomatic AK-47. Whoever wins the rifle will have to undergo a background check.
 

Disturbing News

• Philippine storm toll rises to 140 dead

Reaching across the aisle to Republicans is like trying to persuade Ahmadinejad that the Holocaust really did happen. - Grant Gerver, www.seriouskidding.com

Republican-Shenanigans News

• GOP Staff Pulled From Inquiry Into Bush Interrogation Policies CQPolitics

• US Senate Republicans bail from interrogation probe AFP

• For Some Republicans, Their Party's Seal of Approval Doesn't Impress New York Times

• Bond: "We need troops now" in Afghanistan Politico

"Sarah Palin gave a speech to a conference of investors in Hong Kong yesterday morning. Then she spent the afternoon shooting pandas from a helicopter." --Jay Leno
 

GOP + Insult = $

The Republican Party is using the newfound fame of the lawmaker who shouted "You lie!" at President Barack Obama to raise money for GOP candidates around the country.

Although party leaders initially called Rep. Joe Wilson's presidential insult disrespectful and unacceptable, fundraisers have apparently decided his outburst can be an asset.
 

Rock-The-Voter News

• President Objects to Exclusion of Afghan Funds From Defense Bill CQPolitics

• Obama addresses black caucus on health care

• Clinton and Gore: Still the odd couple

Walmart: America's New Image

Nearly half of the respondents chose Wal-Mart as the institution that best symbolizes America today, leaving in the dust runners-up Google, Microsoft, the NFL, and the banking and securities firm Goldman Sachs.

"And yesterday at the United Nations, President Barack Obama told the world, 'Don't expect America to fix all your problems.' Hey, hey, what happened to 'Yes we can?'" --Jay Leno
 

Biz-Tech News

• Oil falls below $66, sluggish demand in focus Reuters

• Don't take dollar's place for granted: World Bank

• Madoff sons, brother, niece to be sued: report Reuters

"And according to the latest rumors, the former CEO of eBay, Meg Whitman, about to announce she is running for governor of California. See, that shows you how bad the economy is getting here in California. Now we're just another piece of crap on eBay." --Jay Leno
 

Bush-Prison-Torture News

• Gates: Closing Guantanamo prison 'more complicated' CNN International

• 3 Gitmo prisoners transferred to Ireland, Yemen

"Did you hear President Obama's speech about nuclear proliferation? It was impressive. It's nice to have a president who can pronounce nuclear, isn't it?" --David Letterman

Go-F**k-Yourself News

• Dick Cheney visits Adirondacks North Country Public Radio

"Health officials are now saying that the swine flu could be spread at college keg parties. They say if you attend a keg party and come home feeling numb and vomiting profusely, you're probably fine." --Conan O'Brien
 

The John Phillips/Mamas & The Papas' song "I Saw Her Again Last Night" suddenly takes on a horrific new meaning. - Grant Gerver, www.seriouskidding.com

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