Why would McCain take a major role in Bush's campaign? Did Bush offer him Rummy's job? “Paris Hilton lost her pet Chihuahua then found her again. Thank goodness we can get back to focusing on that Iraq thing now.” -- Craig Kilborn
Graphic by Bill Tyler
Dave Casey
The Large Editor - AllHatNoCattle.net
A day late and a dollar short
Have I mentioned before that the publisher of All Hat No Cattle is a tyrant? I miss deadline by a few paltry hours (24), so Lisa threatens to send me on a post-graduate fellowship to the John Ashcroft Academy on Sleep Deprivation, Abu Ghraib campus. And I had a valid reason for being late with this commentary! I was hot on the trail of the War President’s missing service records from the Vietnam era. I started, of course, at the Department of Defense, which misplaced the records in the first place. Records still missing. And these guys want to retain budgetary control over the bulk of the nation’s intelligence structure? Anyway, a friendly Pentagon source who demanded anonymity until our sun burns out steered me toward a right-wing think tank called OZ for answers about the War President’s military record. OZ, for lesser mortals who may not be familiar with it, stands for Obfuscation Zealots. I asked the OZ media spokesman if the organization could shed some light on the War President’s service with the Texas Air National Guard. The OZ representative was standing behind some curtains, pulling levers and pushing buttons on a large control panel, and he looked remarkably like Karl Rove. “John Kerry lied to get his three Purple Hearts, his Bronze Star and Silver Star,” the OZ spokesman said. “Pardon me,” I replied, thinking that my hearing had been adversely affected by years of exposure to Rush Limbaugh and Fox News. “I asked about the president’s military records.” “John Kerry betrayed his country by protesting against the Vietnam War after he returned from it and by testifying before Congress about atrocities committed by U.S. troops,” said the man from OZ. “Perhaps you misunderstood me.” I tried again. “I’m looking for information about the War President’s military background, not his opponent’s.” But the man from OZ was not to be put off message: “As a senator, John Kerry has voted against many defense spending proposals, and he doesn’t have the temperament to lead the nation during these dangerous times of international terrorism and rogue states.” I left the OZ offices scratching my head and walked across the street to the headquarters of Never Never Land, a political action committee that supports various conservative causes and candidates, the War President among them. I asked the receptionist if NNL had any information about the president’s military service during Vietnam. “Nooo…,” she responded in a bored tone as if she had been asked the question many times before. She looked like a cross between Ann Coulter and Peggy Noonan, blond and with the glazed-eye look of the true believer or a Stepford wife. “But I can tell you that his predecessor, former President Clinton, never served in the military and actively protested against Vietnam. Why, he even visited Moscow during his student years.” “But don’t you have anything about the War President’s service record?” I persisted. “The column I’m writing is about him, not John Kerry or Bill Clinton.” “All I can tell you is that world is a safer place because of this president and his willingness to confront terrorists and the countries that support them,” she recited. “And some countries that just piss him off.” I left Washington D.C. thoroughly perplexed. Why was it so difficult to find out about the military service record of a War President? Why was the background of liberal candidates so readily available? Then it dawned on me. The War President must have served in some secret capacity during Vietnam. When he was absent without explanation from National Guard duty in Texas, he could have been involved in clandestine intelligence work, either stateside or perhaps overseas. After all, his father had been director of the Central Intelligence Agency before he became vice president and president. Little George might have been supplying weapons to anti-communist, right-wing groups in other nations, just like Dad. Or maybe he was spying on domestic troublemakers right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. I would not be put off from my mission! I would find out the patriotic truth about the War President’s past! Inquiring minds needed to know! Coming in a future column: With Terry and the Pirates in search of young Dubya. E-mail: dave@allhatnocattle.net Send Dave a comment in the anonymous machine below
The-World-Is-A-Safer-Place-Without-Saddam News
"I've been
getting on this plane, you know, for 42 years. Why can't I get on the plane?" Corrected Bumper Sticker*
Click here to buy this All Hat No Cattle Bumper Sticker from CafePress *I didn't know Dick Cheney had TWO DUIs! Mea Culpa! See Dick Cheney's and W's DUI Record from www.smokinggun.com -- Click below http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/cheneydwi1.html http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/cheneydwi2.html http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/bushdui1.html Disturbing News
"As you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean, that's — ever since the late '70s, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them. In other words, there's no sanctions — you can't — we're out of sanctions." George W. Bush, Annandale, Va, Aug. 9, 2004 I guess W missed the Iran-Contra hearings in the late '80s. Maybe he was busy looking for pretzels.
Republican Shenanigans
How to start
your day with a positive attitude Jajot
Bush declares election emergency
Daily News Haiku &
Liberal Laughs "Attendance at this year's Olympics is so bad that al Qaida operatives were caught scalping tickets half-price so they'd have enough fans to attack." -- Craig Kilborn
Inventory says
more nuke weapons data missing in NM
Good News
“More bad news for Saddam Hussein. They recorded all of his phone calls with Amber Frey.” -- Craig Kilborn
Halliburton Wins $41M in Smith Suit "The American Army has killed so many people in Iraq. What is freedom when I go to the stadium and there are shootings on the road?" Iraqi Olympic coach Adnan Hamad Bush-Prison-Torture News
"The good news -- the president has announced the troops will finally be coming home. The bad news -- not the troops you're thinking of and not for another 10 years. ... Troops stationed in such cold war hot spots like Japan, Germany and Korea will leave and start heading home, and oh, end up in Iraq." -- Jon Stewart Iraqi Street Mural
Biz/Tech News
"The first lady raises a valid point. Since it would take years for stem cell research to find a cure for Alzheimer's, why start? It makes no sense. If you can only save people eventually, you're really doing a disservice." -- Jon Stewart, on Laura Bush's claim that embryonic stem cell research is too preliminary and gives people false hope Kerry/Edwards News
Recently saw a new T-shirt at J.C. Penney's. It is for all W supporters. The T-shirt said: "Sorry. Open mind closed at this time." James Hahaha Odd News
This true-color scene taken by the Sea-viewing Wide Field-of-view Sensor (SeaWiFS) aboard the OrbView-2 satellite shows a large plume of Saharan Desert blowing northeastward on Thursday over the Mediterranean Sea and Greece. The dust (light brown) can be seen extending in a wide arc off Africa's northern coastline. (NOAA/orbimage, HO) Peace.
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