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Monday edition - March 3, 2008
“I’m not interested in holding hands with the Saudis. I’m interested in holding them accountable." - Hillary Clinton
"Well, this is depressing. Oil is now over $100 a
barrel. Experts say gas could reach $4 a gallon, yeah. I believe the experts are
named Bush and Cheney." --Jay Leno
The-World-Is-A-Safer-Place-Without-Saddam News
Lies and Now Plagiarism
A White House official who served as President Bush's middleman with conservatives and Christian groups resigned Friday after admitting to plagiarism. Twenty columns he wrote for an Indiana newspaper were determined to have material copied from other sources without attribution.
"Here's a story that was leaked to the press today. You know, Prince Harry, God bless him, serving his country. He's in Afghanistan on the front lines and he's been there before. Of course, it's been a huge secret. But he's been serving on the front lines in Afghanistan. Of course, President Bush was stunned when he heard this, and he said, 'His dad couldn't get him out of it?'" --Jay Leno
Disturbing News
"But I
like John McCain, did I mention that? John McCain looks like the kind of guy who
goes to the post office and asks for the new Gerald Ford stamp." --David
Letterman
Republican Shenanigans News
"Hey,
here's a good news, ladies and gentlemen. Remember Senator Larry Craig from
Idaho? Well, remember he got himself in some trouble up there in the Minneapolis
airport. It was a fun kind of trouble. But he now is looking for summer interns,
Larry Craig. And I said whoa, cut me a slice of that. And everybody is very
excited about Larry Craig's summer intern program. And if you are selected, now
you have to be prepared to report early to learn Larry's foot tapping code"
--David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night during the debate for always asking her the first question. She feels they're picking on her because she always ask her the first question. I don't know, is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she's very close to being asked her last question." --Jay Leno
Rock-The-Voter News
Biz/Tech News
"During
a press conference today, President Bush said the following. He said it's
important we make the economy stronger so -- quote -- 'families can put money on
their table.' Yes, then Bush said that Americans should deposit food in their
bank accounts. It was a good speech. I liked it. It's hard to top what he
actually said." --Conan O'Brien
Bush-Prison-Torture News
"For the second time in three years, the Boston Red Sox were invited to the White House. They won the World Series. The first time ... one of the outfielders, Manny Ramirez, didn't come to the White House because he said his grandmother was sick. So when Manny didn't show up to the White House again this year, President Bush already had his excuse ready for him [on screen: Bush saying, 'Sorry Manny Ramirez isn't here. I guess his grandmother died again']. W being W again. You know what though? I think he's using humor to hide the pain of disappointment." --Jimmy Kimmel
Go-F**k-Yourself News
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Odd News
This
undated artist drawing released by NASA shows the Mars Science Laboratory, a
mobile robot for investigating Mars' past or present ability to sustain
microbial life. The mission to land a nuclear-powered, next-generation rover on
Mars is facing development problems and ballooning costs that could threaten its
scheduled launch next year. NASA Administrator Michael Griffin told a
congressional hearing this month that engineers had to redesign the heat shield
on the Mars Science Laboratory after tests showed the protective layer would not
survive entry through the Martian atmosphere.
Peace.
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"Lisa, Congrats on your sweep! As George Bush might have said, 'Lucky me, I hit the trifecta.' Seriously, I'm glad to be able to salute you and all the great laughs you provide." - Daniel Kurtzman, About.com Guide to Political Humor.
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