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Thursday edition - October 30, 2008
"According
to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15 billion fewer miles
in August than they did the year before. To which President Bush said, 'See,
that's one of the advantages of not having a job to go to.'" --Jay Leno
The-World-Is-A-Safer-Place-Without Saddam
U.N. Pays $888.6 million to ?
The U.N. panel overseeing
compensation for victims of Iraq's 1990 invasion of Kuwait said Wednesday it has
paid a $888.6 million (709.4 million euros) installment from Iraqi oil funds to
cover losses and damages suffered by governments and private companies.
Disturbing News
"You know
what, justice system? Do your worst to Ted Stevens. Throw the book at him.
Sentence him to solitary. Nothing is going to break this man! Because he knows
that he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush. But, listen, Senator
Stevens, if you do end up in prison, try sneaking out through the internet.
After all, it really is just a series of tubes." --Stephen Colbert
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Republican-Shenanigans News
Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud and corruption, but Republicans are relieved because at least the story didn’t involve an airport men’s room.- David Letterman
Joe The Plumber Becomes Joe The Country Singer - Only In America!
Move over,
Sanjaya, and tell William Hung the news: Joe the Plumber is being pursued for a
major record deal and could come out with a country album as early as
Inauguration Day.
Alaskan
authorities were tipped off to Sen. Steven’s activities by Russians who’d been
watching with binoculars. - David Letterman
A McCain
campaign volunteer accused of making up a story about being robbed and assaulted
in Pittsburgh by a man who disliked her McCain bumper sticker will enter a
program for first-time offenders.
Rock-The-Voter News
St. Sarah The Scapegoat?
John McCain's campaign is
looking for a scapegoat. It is looking for someone to blame if McCain loses on
Tuesday.
"Let's begin tonight with a brand new segment. This is exciting. Are you in prison? Has your cell mate recently been paroled or been the victim of a library shanking? If so, listen. It's time to meet your new cell mate. Is the anticipation killing you? Is killing a sensitive topic? Your new cell mate is this guy, 84-year-old Alaska Senator Ted Stevens! The Senate's longest-serving Republican, the earl of earmarks, nanook of the pork, the Alaskan king crab, and, as of last night, a convicted felon. To save you, his new roommate, the time of an introduction, hey, man, what are you in for? [on screen: description of Stevens' crimes]. That's hardcore, dude. I ate my mailman. Which bunk do you want?" --Jon Stewart
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Biz-Tech News
On this date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?- David Letterman
More Ethics Complaints About St. Sarah of the Tundra
A new
ethics complaint has been filed against Sarah Palin, accusing the Alaska
governor of abusing her power by charging the state when her children traveled
with her.
“And the
longest serving Republican senator, Alaska’s Ted Stevens, found guilty just a
few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. … Do you know this story?
He failed to report he had some work done on his house,” but “here’s the bad
part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber.” - Jay Leno Bush-Prison-Torture News
"In Pontiac, Michigan, five bodies and the cremated remains of 22 others have been evicted from a funeral home. Evicted! That's when you know the real estate market's bad, when you're dead and they still foreclose on you." --Jay Leno
Go-F**k-Yourself News
A drag queen
dressed as Republican vice presidential nominee Alaska Governor Sarah Palin runs
down the street after the High Heel Drag Race near Dupont Circle in Washington
October 28, 2008.
I really hope you had a good time today!
Please help keep humor alive in America! Offline Donation - Lisa Casey - PO Box 88 - Ashford, AL 36312
Odd News
Finger lickin' good. Chocolate
corset : Designer Anita Jakobson displays a creation made from chocolate at the
14th Chocolate fair (Salon du Chocolat) in Paris.
Peace.
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