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October 20, 2004 Wednesday Edition |
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Twelve days till Kerry wins.
“I guess
you've heard there's now a flu vaccine shortage. We only have half the amount
necessary. How does this happen? How come we never run out of crack?”
-- Jay Leno

“Oil
has now hit $55 a barrel. Don't we occupy the biggest oil field in the world
now? Didn't Michael Moore say Bush had this relationship with the Saudis? Isn't
gas supposed to be a nickel now?” -- Jay Leno
The-World-Is-A-Safer-Place-Without-Saddam News
Click
Here for a funny voting machine animation
Here are
the latest electoral vote tallies which are updated daily (270 needed to win):
·
Electoral Vote Predictor: Kerry 284, Bush 247
·
The
Hotline: Bush 227, Kerry 214
·
2.004k.com: Kerry 289,
Bush 232
·
Slate: Kerry 284,
Bush 254
·
Race 2004: Kerry 218,
Bush 205
·
MyDD: Kerry
316, Bush 222

www.oldamericancentury.org
“Welcome to the Tonight
Show. What a crowd. Man, you sound like Al Franken when he heard about Bill
O’Reilly.” -- Jay Leno
Disturbing News

CNN,
10-20-04
"And I
warned him about this war. I had deep misgivings about this war, deep
misgivings. And I was trying to say, 'Mr. President, you had better prepare the
American people for casualties.' "
Robertson said the president then told him, "Oh, no, we're not going to have
any casualties."
Republican Shenanigans
"Lynne
Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney's wife and the former head of the National
Endowment for the Humanities, has placed herself in the company of dictators and
slaveholders. At her urging, the Education Department destroyed more than
300,000 copies of a booklet designed to help parents and children learn more
about America's past."
–-
Steven Ross, Los Angeles Times Columnist

"I just
thought he was lame and out of his depth. Completely banal. He didn't tell me
anything I haven't heard from drunk people in airport bars."
-- CNN "Crossfire" host
TUCKER CARLSON, quoted in The Philadelphia Inquirer regarding his on-the-air spat with "Daily Show" host JON STEWART, who
insulted Tucker's bow tie and called him a bad word.
Biz/Tech
News

Proud
Republican Days In History -- October 20
In 1947,
the House Un-American Activities Committee opened hearings into alleged
Communist influence and infiltration within the American motion picture
industry.
In 1973,
in the so-called "Saturday Night Massacre," special Watergate prosecutor
Archibald Cox was dismissed and Attorney General Elliot L. Richardson and Deputy
Attorney General William B. Ruckelshaus resigned.

Bush-Prison-Torture News
“First, Mike Wallace had that run-in with the limo driver, and they took him to
jail. Then Dan Rather gets caught with a fake memo. Now Bill O’Reilly being
sued for sexual harassment. Do you realize the most trusted newsman in America
is now Geraldo Rivera?” -- Jay Leno
Go-F***
-Yourself News

Kerry/Edwards News
This is a Gallup poll -- from October 27, 2000:
Bush 53 %
Gore 39 %
Nader 4 %
Buchanan 1%
While not a prediction of the voters' choice in November, Friday's results show
Bush garnering 52 percent of the vote and Gore drawing 39 percent. The survey of
851 likely voters was conducted October 24-26 and has a 3.5 percentage point
margin of error.
A CNN/Time poll also
released today gives Bush a 49 percent to 43 percent edge over Gore, which is
statistically in agreement with today's CNN/USA Today/Gallup tracking poll,
given the polls' margin of sampling error...
“We're coming down to the elections, and they are just around the corner. And
all that really is left now is the last minute tinkering with the voting
machines in Florida.” -- David Letterman

Non-political joke
CURTAIN RODS
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded to live in the couple's
multimillion-dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little
better, he prevailed.
He gave his
now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few
half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow
of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything -- cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work
in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and
eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He
told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth,
but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and
within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man
and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company
pack everything to take to their new home --
including the curtain rods.
Fahrenheit 911 For Free. Compliments of Michael Moore!

Odd News

Do not try
this at home. Shaolin monk Shi Niliang demonstrates the art of "Qigong" as he
meditates while hanging by the neck for nearly a minute at his martial arts
school in Quanzhou in southeast China's Fujian province.
Peace.
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"Lisa, Congrats on your sweep! As George Bush might
have said, 'Lucky me, I hit the trifecta.' Seriously, I'm glad to be able to
salute you and all the great laughs you provide." - Daniel Kurtzman, About.com
Guide to Political Humor.



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